Now, what I learned about the last refusals, dissappreciations, wounds from men is to hadle with the frustration they cause me. I was sitting yesterday- and thinking about my fucked up life- who am I, and why just nobody sees that I’m giving and giving and giving....And noone appreciates that.

Im tired of imbalance....now i recognized...its not about revanche...when i give something, i do not expect somebody to revanche...well, perhaps sometimes.....that was my fault....expectations disappointed.....

the feeling of being abused, if you give too much...
and the feeling of guilt if you dont give enough....

.....makes me sick! Made me sick all over the years.
I guess it was rather the feeling, that i give nothing, im not able to love....
Now it’s the other way round.

But i realized now, what i want :
When i give something – i expect some kind of reaction, appreciation....not an equally revanche act...this is infantile.
And I don’t get this now...and it causes this frustration....

Well, well, my conclusion is: I give too much- this is also an IMBALANCE. I shouldnt depend on happiness getting from outside. Fact is, NOBODY really can make me happy.
It’s me, only myself who can make me happy.
(does this mean handwork all the time >.<
....hey, why is sex so important to you?????)

Is there noone like me, who just want to have fun- without all the burdens of obligations, expectations, dependence and this crap? Well, i guess ist just too good to be true...
Love hurts right?
Do i want feel deeply for somebody, and get hurted, and hurt him, make us unfree - or do i want hedonistic living, fucking happily, and just swim on the surface?
I don’t know...........
For now, I don’t wanna bound. I dont wanna engage emotionally. When I engage emotiopnally- that means when I sleep with someone more then one time.....This just means troubles.....I fell in love- well this is nice still, but then I have expectations, and then they get disappointed, and then I’m frustrated....

The last frustrations were:

Nr.1.:
P : I send him mails, sms, sexy pics etc....
Not to mention that he doesnt react to my questions- what is really frustrating with time....and I dont like to repeat myself.....i feel ignored.
Then i ask him one thing to do- to send me a pic of his dick, and he answers with a counter claim....to first send me a pic which inspirates him to do that....now, this wouldn’t be the problem. The problem is, that he claims and i give and give and give- and he doesnt realize, doesnt appreciate it. Perhaps it’s a matter of course for him right now, that i send him so many pics...he hardly does- and he’s the one who says: A picture is worth a thousand words and I input text with my thumbs...
He didn’t even realized i was that angry, although it was unmistakably clear, and i let him feel my anger....he just ridiculed it, didnt take it serious......
Last sms-(...) good night, sexy baby, think about fucking me
SURE ! >.<
*arghhh*
And now he expects me also to give and give and give...
Last mail-(...) Perhaps you are
writing me a letter on paper now. perhaps I will get it.
SURE ! >.<

I don’t know, are men really that stupid??? The older, the worse....?

And P, Im NOT PERVERTED!!!
I can suck your dick, let you cum on my face, let you say dirty words to me, let you fuck my ass- but IM NOT A PERVERT! This is natural. Love is natural, not perverted- perhaps this is just your prude, AMERICAN, narrow-minded kind of view it....hm? got it? Did that hurt?

Nr.2.:
Greatest Lover....beyond.....
I give- i propose him unmistakably clear- invite him to fuck me-
and he answers with a counterclaim: Just when it’s a menage a trois.
And what means menage a trois to men mostly?
No, i don’t have a problem with this....i had already deux.....
I have a problem with counterclaims.....
Fuck you, you’re not worth to be with me!!!

Nr.3.:
M – were sitting in a bar, Im saying unmistakable clear- I WANT TO FUCK.
He says- there are no women who say and mean that.....
Aha. Youre living in an overcomed world, you poor creature!
And then, he says- Sorry but Im in love...
And then the best part- But you can give me a blowjob!
SURE! Im so horny for your dick filling my mouth...
>.<
In what world am I living???

Nr.4.:
M- He destroyes my basin in the bathroom, on my party- as im stroking his dick and make him unmistakably clear to wanna have it inside me...
The basins down...I say, hey, thats all right....but i suppouse, his erection is too...
He refuses. Stupid boy, refuses me, horny girl....
Well, ok. I give him a chance. At least hes a good dancer...I phone him once- invite him to go for a beer- not for sex......(Hes a shy guy)....“nop“
Ok. I try once again- I invite him to go together to a party....“nop“
Ok., hes not into me.....

Nr.5.:
V- On my party- after the two refusals of GL and M, I make another try. He is reaaally good looking. But, such a pity, that hes sooooo stupid. Im sitting in my room, sitting on him, and play with him....take off his shirt, drawing with my lipstick on his nipples.....
Well, ok., thats perhaps NOT turning him on....
Then I realize- i wanted to bring him to kiss me- he’s just soooo passive.
So, ok. Cute Mr. Handsome, just because youre sooo handsome- you let the women do all the work???
Because, I’m horny, and want also to be sexually satisfied- wanna also take, not only give....I realize: Hes not worth it....
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Now, I can laugh about this frustrations. I wont give up, but Im not giving in- ALL I WANT IS JUST A GOOD FUCK!!!!
;-)
isn’t that simple? men are just soooo fucking stupid to realize.....

perhaps it’s time for a women......
and yes men, because I’m frustrated of all you FUCKING LOSERS!

:-P :-P
wanna watch, hm?

So, lets sum up for all the ones that didn’t understand yet, or didn’t wanna read all this crap:
ALL I WANT IS.....
BALANCE, HARMONY and A GOOD FUCK!!!