how we can celebrate this occasion the best:



*lol*

or as usual...

one for all

(cited from a mail)
i dreamt this night...

perhaps when i lied down- and that was very early for me- at 9.30 or ten...(woke up at 2 again and slept till 7:30)--when i lied down i was thinking about what zoey, the best friend of franz said...
but perhaps lets start from the story right at it beginning:

who is zoey?

when i first met franz- that was on a party, february six years ago, and i was very very drunk. i realized him in his chinese military khaki jacket, as he stood there first to the back, holding a net of oranges in the hand...i thought whaa- everybodys drinking here, what is this vitamin freak doing here...then i, franz, and zoey- his best friend with whom he came, had a short talk and i realized what for the oranges were- they invited me to their round, drinking tequila...i talked with franz, he was the first whom i remarked, and then i talked with zoey- he was a "cool" guy, handsome- with platin blond faired hair...we had a talk- i remember about fight club. that time i was really fascinated about this movie...and talked about it with zoey- he said something "its crap..and dont you think, that..."
it wasnt just oppositon, it was very provocative- and made me upset, the more because i was very drunk...i realized later, that it was a play- of both,franz too. opposite peoples opinons, provoke them, and sometimes it has gone so far to spoil peoples atmosphere, or even to destroy ones worldviews....i went away...zoey was strange

after 2 months of being in love with franz, without knowing him, i decided to call him (i found his number from a friend)...i made the first step! ^-^
i was and am very proud of that. we came together. and we spent a lot of time in franz room ;) having love six times a day...and you know im loud...
and franz lived with zoey together...he hated me. ok. i understand that, but we had nowhere to go....he didnt had a girlfriend this time- i think it drove him crazy to hear us instead....

when we went out together once, with my friends- he wasnt talking to me, just to franz, i felt so ignored...and i feared to say something, because he hated me...that night we were all drunk, evi too- and evi made this test- it was really tough- she first danced before zoey- wanted to seduce him, and then sat on zoey and undressed her shirt, showing and presenting him her naked breasts......and that was before ALL people---i think everyone, zoey the most, was really shocked. i laughed about it, because it was a nice revenge, because zoey didnt like me....
and zoey had a shock from my freaky friends for a lifetime i guess- he didnt found evi attractive, and he didnt went out with us no more...

then he got a girlfriend, she was from poland, studying theatre- and making theatre in bed...she was a fan of dirty talking- we heared it through the walls at franz...and laughed :)
he left her- and we also moved out to mariahilferstrasse, the small cell where you and me spent our first night....

i heared franz talking about zoey- he was a casanova, and about his newest conquests, his parallel girlfriends, his dishonesty, his stylization to a sexmachine....it was amusing, and franz was defending him- "in fact he is so sensitive"...hahah
and what also structed me, that franz and zoey had a lot of same tastes, and also the same way of comic figures. franz was like an alter ego of zoey- i couldnt find out who is coping from whom- zoey was more creative, franz gave up, although he drawed really fantastically, because of his frustration...i wated to study art too, but he infected me and i fell in this sprial of giving up too....shame on that!
so this was somehow strange- whos the copy, whos the original??

although zoey always was ignoring me- and i was too proud to say something to him, it was hurting me much. and it hurt me that franz didnt support me. he knew that zoey hated me, and he even showed me one mail from zoey- that was saying-" and...did you get rid of this polish garbage?" he was xenophobic.

and what i thought yesterday was:

2 weeks ago, franz gets a mail from zoey. (he studied skaninavistic, made the master, and lives now in norwegia, washing dishes, but he finally found his dream-woman) franz said, that he is inviting him to norwegia, and i can come too...whaa...i thought perhaps hes not serious...but i really want reconcilliation...could it be?
and i thought- yesterday- what a pity, i wont have reconcillation with zoey, because i left franz....

now about my dream.

do you have recurring dreams? i have.

the one is about shitting. i want to shit, and im in this public huge toilet, where there are short walls, or no walls in between- and no door to lock, no way to be unseen...i hate this dream, im searching for a toilet where noone can see how im shitting...i dont want to be seen...and the need is growing stronger...im searching without finding...and wake up never finding the right toilet......
i dreamt this one day before breaking up with franz...
( and miriam my best friend- dreamt that we were together- but she didnt know about anything- that we are all in water and im parting franz, saying i have to go, and run away.....strange)

the other recurring dream is the dream about zoey.
in the dream i often want to make love with zoey.
or im making love with him, and somehow he changes into another person, i do not know or remember...
in these dreams i search for reconcilliation with zoey, but i never get it...

now, today i dreamt this dream:

im on a party with franz and zoey...and im leaving franz...im fleeing into the car of zoey- he goes in, starts the car- without realizing me in the car- and im sitting next to him...so im not sure- is he not aware of me, or is he just simply ignoring me...we drive a while, minutes that way- i cannot figure it out that he is not remarking me...and i accept...
the car stops, he openes the window in the car- skylight(?)-upwards, he stands up, turns to me and laughs cooly...and hes someone else...i dont remeber what he said, but i realized that perhaps zoey was just playing, and ignoring me finally......

i dont like these dreams...they are somehow symbols....which i cannot fully interprete.....

to all of you, reading this fart:
would like to hear your interpretation....

wer lie- s /b -t mich???

engl.version:
dear bloggers,

who reads or loves me???

the old flat was a cell.

in the new flat i could ride a bicycle.

in my brand-new flat i can take a sunbath.
..........fuck! where are my sunglasses?

i lost a good friend.
i lost my love.

@ kathi:
(had a car accident. is 99% brain dead, tomorrow they will turn off the machines)

i shared some secrets with you.
i know something about you, and you know something about me.
i liked you, you were beautiful, intelligent, i liked your drawings....
i will miss you....

@ franz:
(was my boyfriend for nearly 6 years, i left him)

thank you for your love.
i learned much from you. we were growing together.
but some day our love died.
i will never forget you, and am thankful for what you gave me.

I`m aggressive, I`m angry and I let it out- this is a frequent situation:

me: Where are the keys? .......(searching but not finding them)
Fuck, where are they?...(I`m in hurry)

he: I don`t know...

me: Fucking shit! Damn it! Where the fuck are they? (I get angry, am pissed off...start to kick things around)
I cant stand this fuckin messy shit.!!!!....(at this point sometimes i begin to threw things)

he: Hey, what`s up?

me: NOTHING!!

he (cant stand this): now, what`s the problem? I can´t simply ignore that you`re angry...

me: Just let me....I need that.....I don´t mean to hurt you....It`s just MY problem.

he: I cant cope with such situatuions- youre in rage and I can`t help...

me: You CAN`T help! Just leave me! Ignore it! Ignore me!
Here lies the KEY.

franz had a crush on her ever since he knew her. I realized at our art-club, when she stand us nude and he drew a close-up of her breasts....
he confessed me afterwards, that he found her really attractive.
I found her boring first. Yes, she was nice, but somehowe stiff. Then, i learned to know her, and also to admire. On her birthday party she let me overnight at her. The others were gone, we had a nice talk, and as she prepared herself for bed- i had a glipse of her perfect belly. Though i saw her nude before, now i realized how pretty she really was. Or perhaps it was just that we´ve had a good talk, understood each other...
I remember she woke me up...I was sleeping face to face to her and was holding her head tenderly, i did that not conciously...i`m used to do that when I sleep with Franz.
But she got really hot as she said- and so I turned away.
But I couldn`t sleep that night, because I wanted her....

A month afterwards- we had our club again. We drank wine- she was very drunk and happy...i was rather tired. I just wanted to know if that rumor that one friend spread around was true: if she had an open relationship with his boyfriend. She said yes. We said- we too. She asked if it functions for us- because they let it be theory till now...we said yes.
I guess that broke all barriers for Franz. I thought- that now he could try if he had a chance. But I was really to tired to seduce her. I went to bed. I heared them laying tarots, and Franz hesitating and confessing his attraction to her...

Then they came to bed. Franz asked if he could lie to her, and caress her. She said- as you like. I heared deep breaths, stroking bodies. I thought- what to do. Do they want me to join?
I got excited...and I didn`t wanted to be outside. So I joined.
It was nice. She was sooo fragile, very thin, I liked her smell. She was somehow shy, and set limits- no, it`s getting too much...sorry.
It was nice, but I guess I wanted more. I wanted to dive in her sex, to do her pleasure. I was a bit disappointed....

Than in the middle of the night- i was half slepping- i felt a hand between my legs. It was tendelry circulating, pressing my clit. I was all wet. I thought- oh, she really knows....what I like, what women like. I wanted to touch her body, touch her breasts. I feel her strong belly...and then...her hairy nipples? Huh? oH, it`s not her- it´s franz! I was astonished...it was so funny! ^.^ i felt his dick- and he fucked me hard....we hadn´t sex for a long time...
The idea, that she heard us beside, was turning me on...i wanted she heard us, watched us secretly. He fucked me hard, and came all over me, i felt his warm wet cum on my back, and his hands smudged it in my skin.
I like that. I`m so filthy....
I just wished she saw that...

how are you? how is it goin? you're sick, and look terribly, and i know, you don't feel allright. but you know, that's gonna have an end, dear pussy-cat. perhaps i didn't treat you right, didn't stroke you much, didn't feed you...next time you meow!

i know, you just want me to take care of you. i swear, i will pay attention now. you're a special pussy-cat, you know. you give me so much pleasure, and you know that.
so i will treat you right, pussy-cat, will give you milk, will caress and love you. cause when you meow, than me too!

Friday the thirteenth. I catched definetly a cold, im shivering, have a sore throat, and i feel absolutely weak. I resignated to go to a party of a friend, although i really wanted to go there.
Instead i send franz to go ...heheh... and give me report afterwards ;-)

Not only i catched a cold but also my fucking candida (thrush) again.
My pussy itching, white crumbly fluid is coming out... i hate that.
This fucking shit comes regularly.

Why again? Suppose i had too much sex last week- finally it did my pussy no good....

Or:
i have perhaps a latex-allergy. (i got my first candida when i was 17, after having sex with a condom, and i never liked them since.)
Or –something with my meridians and chi in my body isnt right.

I love self diagnosis ^.^ because:

I dont trust orthodox medicine anymore, dont want to swallow pills again, that do not help at all. I think they just made the whole thing worse-in my case my diseases became chronical:

I had 2, 3 years an chronical cystitis, somethimes with blood in my piss. I had 3 treatments with antibiotica, with two cystoscopies and all in two months. Didnt help at all.
I was really angry, swallowing all the chemicals for no good.
After that i lost my believe in orthodox medicine...

The next thing i wanna try is some alternative medicine- perhaps applied kinesiology, and traditional chinese medicine. I had an interesting talk with a healer, that was really interesting. She told me that i shouldnt eat, though im half vegetarian, too much fruits and raw vegetables, because after the 5-elements-nutrition,exactly these food is cooling off the body- and leads to fatulence or winds....
Apropos- i forgot my chronical fatulence.....i thought that the reason for this would be an lactose incompatibility (it is not).
My doctor said perhaps ist a whole-wheat allergy- so i gave up eating whole wheat bread, that helped a bit. But after this healer said to me, that perhaps its raw vegetables, it was like an enlightenment for me. Until that moment I would hardly had the idea of ever doubting the good effects of fruits on body. I realised I was a victim of media- believing in the preaching, saying the best, most healthiest food are fruits-
„they are full of vitamins, and one should eat one kilo a day.“
What a crap. It turned out to be THE nutrition dogma- and hardly one doubts that this isnt healthy.
Fact is, that citrus fruits have a hole bunch of vitamin C. But TCM says, this fruits are cooling, so eating them increases the possibility catching a cold. And we believe, that eating exactly these fruits would prevent us from a cold....

But as my mum said-its the best to eat, what one wants, to go after ones intuition. (excluded the bad habits like coke, fast food etc. of course). The body shows you what it needs, when you let it speak.
And i overcame my diseases, not because i swallowed pills, but when i stopped paying attention to them.